When the Robin makes its nest...

        High School was a bit of a roller coaster for me, but that's not anything out of the ordinary. I had really good friends, I liked a couple girls, and I learned a lot of things about the world and about myself (though much of those lessons didn't come from school). There were a lot of triumphs, but just as many struggles. Deep set insecurities, distrust, and bitterness took root and developed into ugly forms as time went on. I spent a lot of time feeling alone and feeling sorry for myself. While these times are thankfully over, I look back on them as points where God was right there beside me, holding my hand and dusting me off when I would stumble. Though I'm not proud of a lot of what I did and thought during this time of my life, the process of discovery that I went through has a lot to do with who I am today.
        One of the most important things in my high school universe was music. It was my obsession. Much of my time, at least in 9th and 10th grade, was spent IMing my friends while pouring over different albums and artists. I would take a trip out of town almost every week to buy CD's, and I was always borrowing music from friends. I didn't feel particularly special in most areas, but I did take pride in the fact that I was the resident indie music guru. I realize now that this wasn't nearly as cool as I thought, but dang it, it was my niche and I was gonna hold onto it as tight as I could. I slowly developed a core "repertoire" of 5-7 albums that I absolutely could not live without. Many of them are quite strange, as I would admit even now, but no matter how many times I listened to them they never became boring, and they inescapably influenced my views on what music should do and what it should sound like from that point on.
        One of those albums was a ten tack collection by the band Weezer named Pinkerton. A lot of people only know Weezer through some of their newer songs such as "Pork n' Beans" and "Beverly Hills," and it really is a shame. While those songs aren't bad by any stretch of the imagination, they cannot come close to the emotional rawness that those first few albums contained. Pinkerton was Weezer's second album, and was markedly different from the first. It was intense, introverted, and at times painfully honest. It was a little snapshot into the mind of the creator, much like the Pet Sounds, and that immediately drew me into it. The album was (loosely) based on the story of Madame Butterfly, which you should google sometime if you're really aching for a good sad story. Basically, this U.S. Naval officer (named Pinkerton, no less) is stationed in Japan and decides that he wants a wife for his time there. The divorce laws are very loose in Japan, so he figures when the time comes he'll just break the knot and be done with it. The problem is, the girl is not only beautiful and sensitive, but completely in love with him. She even goes so far as to renounce her ancestral religion and face complete disownment by her family so that she can be completed devoted to him. He promises to always be faithful, and then a year or so later tells her he has to go back to America but will return ". . . when the robin makes its nest." Long story short, he does come back 3 years later, but with an American wife and no knowledge of the son that his other wife bore him. Madame Butterfly (the nickname of his Japanese wife), hoping for his return every day for 3 years, hears the news and is overcome with grief. I won't tell you how it ends, but it's not happy.
          Though the album doesn't follow that storyline track-by-track, it has connections to it thematically. Most of the songs follow of theme of searching for true love and being sick of meaningless physical relationships. Much like Pet Sounds, there is a definite character growth and process that the songwriter goes through as the album progresses. It begins with a dissatisfaction with the one night stand life style ("Tired of Sex"), moves to a search for real love while still feeling drawn to that old lifestyle ("Why Bother," "The Good Life") and ends with the possibility of love finally becoming a reality ("Falling For You.") However, it ends with the songwriter ruining the relationship because of his wandering eye. Though I couldn't relate to some of the specific events of the songs, that longing for true love along with the fear that if I had it I would ruin it was a huge part of my high school existence. I would go as far as to say that was the undercurrent for much of those first three years (before I got to know my lovely soon-to-be bride). I felt like someone else understood me, that I wasn't alone in my longings and insecurities.
         The album really is best taken as a whole, but if I had to pick the most significant track for me on the album was the closer, "Butterfly." It's a mellow in contrast to the others on the album. It consists only of acoustic guitar ad vocals, and the lyrics are simple but heart wrenching at the same time. The first verse and the chorus together impacted me quite a bit when i first heard them:

Yesterday I went outside
With my mama's mason jar,
Caught a lovely butterfly
When I woke up today
Looked in on my fairy pet
She had withered all away
No more sighing in her breast

I'm sorry for what I did
I did what my body told me to
I didn't mean to do you harm
Everytime I pin down what I think I want it slips away
The goal slips away 




The last part, "Every time I pin down one I think I want it slips away," pretty much summed up all of my hopes, fears, and insecurities when I listened to it. I'll post the whole song, but really the chorus is what stuck out the most to me. The thought of getting so close to what I wanted and then ruining it was what connected with me. Later in my high school experience, God showed me what I had been missing all along. I was looking to find my worth in the affection of someone else, gauging how my life was based on if my feelings were reciprocated. I completely left God's love for me out of the picture, and that was what made me feel so lost and hopeless. I think this song is a affecting portrait of what the pursuit of love is without God in the equation. It is a pursuit that can never satisfy, a longing that will always be left wanting more. The human heart cannot be satisfied with human love; though we have a large capacity for it, and do indeed need it. However, until we know the perfect love of God, we can never be satisfied with any form of love. For those who do not know it, the search becomes increasingly desperate, and finally they settle for the meaningless fluff that the world has to offer. This song, where it once was a lament connected to my own experience, now stands as a reminder of the life without Christ's love. It still profoundly affects me, but now because it stands out as a corporate cry of a hopeless, love hungry people.




Here's the song. Warning: There's one bad word in the 2nd verse.

Peace, love, and rockets

Crosshairs up, it's go time. Heading left down the corridor, slight right... BLAM!!! Dang. Didn't even see that guy. Okay, back on. I'll just head straight, creep around the edge and. . . KABOOM! Where did that even come from? Alright now it's time to get serious. In through the side entrance, I got the guy in my sights, things are looking up. . .  KAWHACK! From behind?! You gotta be KIDDING ME!!!!
              Yes, I'm a gamer, and yes, I've had many conversations with myself that went like this. I've spent many a friday night after classes getting my butt handed to me by people from across the country. And I love it. I'm kind of an addict. It's not quite to the point where I will throw things at friends while yelling "Grenade!", but that destination is not very far away. Ever since a few online multiplayer games came out for mac, I've been hooked. Though I can't play that much ( the music major life, you know), it's always a nice little reward after a long, stressful week.
              During one of my end of the week gunslinging binges, I started to think about why I enjoyed the massively multiplayer games so much, why I so looked forward to playing whenever I could. The action was good, but eventually it becomes a monotonous routine of pointing, clicking, and dodging; my computer can't run the newest games, so the ones I do play aren't exactly cutting edge; and, though it is kind of nice to be in communication with thousands of people from all over the world, most of them just plain aren't nice. After awhile, I realized the draw came from one specific source: the competition. There really is no other competitive realm where anyone can almost instantaneously be ranked against tens of thousands of other competitors. I'm not great by any stretch of the imagination, and I consistently do get defeated, but the possibility that I may get kills and rise through the ranks is just too big of a pull to ignore. The hope that I might one day in the distant future be considered good by people I don't know is a goal worth fighting for.
              I promise this all has a point. Thinking about the rush of winning kind of got me thinking about the appropriate approach for Christians in competition, and the nature of the competitive urge. Is the competitive urge a carry-over of the sinful nature, or is there some God-given reason for it? Is it purely a selfish urge, or can it be used to glorify God? It is no secret that competition is everywhere in the media. Sporting events draw thousands upon thousands, and millions tune in for the largest broadcasted events. I've lost track of how many inspirational sports movies have come out, but I do know there are only like 3 that I care for ( Hint: Cool Runnings is on the list). The struggle  between competitors for a common prize is a theme familiar to all who enjoy motion pictures.
              I honestly don't really know what the right answer is, but I have struggled with this thought for some time. I know great Christian people who, as soon as a game of basketball breaks out in the church parking lot, seem to temporarily lose their minds and their head-to-mouth filter. I had a youth pastor a number of years ago who honestly believed her competitive nature was a God-given gift and that it was an admirable thing, and anytime she would get involved in a game name-calling and trash-talking ensued. I've felt myself get to that point and hated how I acted; that's why I generally keep my distance for anything that smells of intense competition. It frustrates me sometimes how out of hand these situations can get, even between believers. In my sophomore year of high school my Christian school's soccer team made it to the league championship, and it was certainly dirty business. Cheap shots, bad calls, and tempers ruled the night, and I remember wanting to quit at the end of the game. I felt uncomfortable and conflicted; I felt like a lot of people, myself included, threw away their ability to influence others for Christ for a shot at victory.
             I have been inspired by athletes who have defeated enormous odds and achieved honest victory against dishonest tactics; I have also been thoroughly disappointed by the conduct of "Christian" athletes as they went for the gold. I believe that the act of competing, testing one's skill against another, is a completely valid and even admirable thing. However, it can also bring out the worst in  people who begin to lose all perception of morality or decency in their quest for victory. I don't know if a consensus has been reached on the nature of the competitive urge, but I think there is an important self-evaluation that needs to take place for the Christian competitor: are they still serving their purpose to be salt and light as they compete? Do they seek to glorify God or glorify themselves? As we compete and as we try to succeed, it is essential that we remember our role as believers in the culture. If ever that purpose is marred by our thoughts and actions, it is our duty to assess our hearts and look to God with repentance and a heart open to change.

So the question is. . . are YOU a rude boy (or girl) ?

Syllabus shock. A common occurrence among students returning to school after a blissful break from the blistering madness of academia. It happens to different people on different levels based on individual workloads, temperaments, and general attitudes towards class and people. For some people, it is an emotional, topsy-turvy experience that lasts for 1-2 weeks and claims a good bit of their sanity; for others, it just kind of bounces off of them and loses its grip. I'd like to think of myself as belonging to the second group. Generally a pretty cool operator, I expected to walk into the grind of this semester with my head held high, rolling with the punches and completing impossibly difficult assignments left and right. Well, that didn't really happen. With an exceptionally heavy semester, my spirits slowly began to sink. Syllabus shock was fighting dirty, hitting me when I least expected it. 

     Normally, in stressful times like this, a cycle develops. It goes like this: I'll get super uptight with my time and feel like I always have to be working on something, burn myself out going along like this for a couple of days, get all mopey, then Michaela through sheer cuteness and force of will snaps me out of my stress-induced stupor. The whole cycle can last as little as 3 days or as long as 3 weeks. This last time basically lasted all of the first week of classes. Somewhere between the last two steps of the process, in the last two or three days, I typically go through a period I call "crunk time." It is when I dig up all of the hip hop I listened to in junior high while simultaneously searching youtube for the songs and dance crazes burning up the current scene. This last session of crunk time, I found my playlist centering around a few key tracks. Out of those, the track that struck me the most was Rihanna's song "Rude Boy."

     I'm not going to put up the video for this song; though there's no swearing in it, I don't feel like I could in good conscience put something up that is so blatantly provocative; you know, the whole "don't cause your brother to stumble" thing. Suffice it to say, the images in the video are pretty much what you'd expect to be playing on MTV 24/7. The lyrics of the song are in the same vein; I don't know if you could even call it innuendo. It's not the general message of the song or the full extent of the lyrics that I found striking; it was the specific lyrics that end the chorus. See, after the "call to action" segment of the beginning of the chorus, it ends with Rihanna emphatically singing the words "Love me, love me." These are also the words that end the song. This made me think about the search for love in this world. Without God in the picture, human beings search for their value and fulfillment in the things of this world. Many pursue sex as a way to that fulfillment, as a way to feel valued and a way to feel like they belong. Rihanna has gone through a period of great emotional trauma, being at the center of one of the highest-profile domestic violence cases of the last decade. It is interesting that in those circumstances she performs this song which revolves around a search for love disguised as sexual aggression. We as Christians have the incredible blessing of knowing true love, a gift that we could never deserve on our own merits. It is our responsibility to show this love to a lost, dying, and hurting people. Whether they know it or not, we have exactly what they are looking for.

P.S. Here's a song I was really "feelin" during my crunk period. It is called "Teach Me How to Dougie." by Cali Swag District. I could not really find any theological significance in this video, so it's purely for the enjoyment of all you at home. So, enjoy!